I haven't used xanga for ages but that's because I've finally got the chance to put all my twisted indulgence into the Show... Check out, lads and girls, and COME =) Get tickets through me, quick!
I was soooooooooooo happy and surprised to see a box of Thornton's chocolates in my pigeon hole yesterday without a note or anything... and spent the whole day thinking who that person could be...
then this morning I got this email:
Dear Everyone,
A Very Happy 8th week and end of term to you all!
I neglected to e-mail after the College Drama event (chaos with work) to give my sincerest thanks and appreciation for all of your efforts for the show.
I just wanted to say a big THANKS to everyone. As a ‘thank you’ – I’ve put a small little edible something in your pigeon holes. I can’t tell you how much it meant to me, and it was wonderful to work with you.
Best wishes, Tim Summers
rightttttttttttttttttt OOKKKK i can still proudly say 'ngo mo yun yiu'... especially true these dayz...
Coming back here is like revisiting an old cafeteria at the end of that street no longer trekked on, which I have almost forgotten and probably so have you. That path of thought process. It feels strange. The thought of clicking 'Next' on this page disgusts me, and I have quite deliberately deleted the daily subscription email as soon as it pops up these days. Facebook might have taken up the new life even though we all recognize the incomparable power of this place for writing; and there are still some who have not been dragged into the whole Facebook religion and still wish to keep in touch here.
But what is there to write? Essays! Apparently there are two essays for tomorrow morning too but I have been sitting here for 4 hours, from half-drunk to completely sober, from dying for sleep to post-Pro-Plus consciousness (Pro-Plus, aka caffeine tablets, is the new feature of Oxford life). Yea but fuck that it's last week of term.
There is just nothing to write, nothing to face up to.
The second term of Oxford is in this week waning. Maybe so am I... it's scary how the sky is getting warm and nothing else under it is.
I had
disintegrated into such a state that I was basically morbid. This week
there were a few all-nighters, at the end of which I just couldn't stop
thinking 'why'. I understand that, by no means is my workload heavy, as
a first year or as an economist or as a student; no, for once I am not
complaining about the workload. Yet somehow, I feel doomed and destined
and empty; the path is laid out in front of me, like it was before I
left HK. I don't even know whether I want it, and what I can make of
it. Of course, the great thing about student life here is, you screw up
an essay, you always have the next one. So you do it. Just for the sake
of it. The indifference also scares me: essays mea
n absolutely nothing
to me. You do them. You forget about them.
And I'm lost. I don't
even know why I am doing this. What am I learning anyway? What's the
point? And what about these internships that I'm applying to knowing I
won't get it? And what about in a year's time? I get an internship,
'wow Ryan you are aaaamazing', or I don't get it, 'sorry Ryan it's
serious competition'. I shall be told and judged, by others, whether I
am success or failure basing on that. I am lost, I don't know what to
do with myself. High salary? High life? So?
Right, Ryan stop whining you are in one of the top universities in the world. Really? That's all I care? But what should I care?
I
have been avoiding the quest for a 'purpose' for so long that work has
been an excuse for me to not think about it. But I can't take it
anymore this week.
So much of our lives has been to prove ourselves in one way or another. It means so much for some, but I want more than that.
However, it's so tangible and abstract and unclear that it scared me too.
Now
comes the cliched turning point, that 'tonight was different'. I am a
horrible Christian, and I am not going to sound like a good one here,
and I know that so many of you still find some more patronizing words
cringe-making.
I'm just saying that tonight ended my week-long
confusion. Of course I am not saying I have found 'what I think God has
planned for me' in one night. I just suddenly saw the possibility that,
maybe it doesn't matter which industry I end up in, which company I
work with. I need to know why I want to do it. I want to find a reason
that I could work for, to look forward to. It took an occasion like
this to rekindle, and to rebond, and to remind myself that there is a
reason for my being, and for what I am doing.
Today I had a dear
family friend who said to me when he visited me, 'I have earned enough
and it's about time I retire but I just started a new project. Maybe
because I have taken so much from life and from society, that I want to
give something back.'
Old-fashioned? I still believe in it. And I know many still do.
I
pray that, as long as I treat that as my goal, I shall find a 'purpose'
for myself wherever I work and whatever I work as. I don't know 'how'
yet, but tonight the Fellowship reminded me, at least, 'why'.
Loved
that analogy about the kid playing arcade games at a theme park who
turned round and lost his dad and within a short moment experienced the
extreme agony of confusion and loneliness and insecurity. We are but
kids who keep indulging on little passions of jobs and money and fame,
which are just like arcade games. Yet we all turn round from time to
time almost subconsciously, yearning for some kind of reassurance and
security of love, which the periodic indulgence could not and should
not satisfy.
It was so moving to see that the occasion not only
moved me but 'moved' others too, especially the closer friends of mine,
who might have put their faiths into sleep for a while, or who have
never given much thought about it, or who have not felt much about it.
Somehow, throughout the evening, we were connected in an occasion,
where everybody participated recognized that it meant so much more than
that unfinished essay.
It was a bit ironic to see that, some
principles or arguments I used to believe in but now abandoned are
reappearing in the room, signifying that even I have moved on this
path. But by no means am I ahead. It would mean so much if we could
stick together in this quest, of knowing what to do, of knowing what to
be.
Thank you OCCCSF for putting this on. I hope that friends
who only came to support the cast understand that you were there
because the cast members wanted you to at least give some thoughts on
Christianity, and what life should really be about.
We present to you The Oxcars on the 24th of February, 2007, at St John's College Auditorium.
A night of glamour, wit, love, exuberance, and more; a night to remember.
Tickets can be reserved by emailing tickets@ox-vshow.com or by contacting the Committee. Members of the Hong Kong circle please pass on and get your friends to come.
My contacts are: 07877213828 and ryanlhwong@hotmail.com if you need further info.
In the likelihood that you would want to stay for a weekend with us, please contact us individually so that we could transform our rooms, or in my case, clean up.
